This video is about life with my $1000 keyboard. Category Entertainment; Show more Show less. The Ring app lets you see, hear and speak to anyone on your property from anywhere. Download the app today for iOS, Android, Mac and Windows 10 devices. Get The Ring App. See, Hear and Speak to Visitors. With Ring, you can monitor your home from your smartphone, tablet or PC. Every Ring device features a wide-angle lens and a built-in.

IF You Are a PC user,Then You Probably Won't Understand The Following Jokes...... But Read Them Anyway!!

'If Bill Gates had a Dollar for every time a Windows box crashed .. .. Oh, wait a minute, he already does.'(Check out The BSOD section)

If Restaurants Worked Like Microsoft

Patron: Server!
Server: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Server.
What seems to the the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Server: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Server: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating
it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Server: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what
kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Server: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to
do with the fly in my soup?!
Server: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Server: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of
the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Server: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Server: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm
running late now.
[Server leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the
check.]
Server: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.
Server: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Server leaves.]
Patron: Server! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to support $1.00

The Old Man and the C: prompt
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION
----------------------
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Microsoft employee.
'Watch and you'll see,' answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
'Watch and you'll see,' answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket, please..'

3 engineers in a car
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?'

Press Control-Alt-Delete...All at Once

Top 10 Things People Think the 95 in Windows 95 Really Stands For
1.The year it was DUE to ship
2.The number of MHz required for the operating system to run
3.The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
4.The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
5.The number of minutes to install
6.The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating system
7.The number of pages in the 'EASY INSTALL' version of the manual
8.The number of megabytes of hard-disc space required
9.The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware
10.The number of floppies it will ship on

An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked, 'Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?'
The host's response was perfect: 'You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 _without_ a computer than _with_ one.'

After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes,
it came to me that it might have been:

LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)

Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that became a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.

Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream..

Multitasking

You cancrash several programs all at once. No waiting !

Built-in Networking
You can crash several PC's all at once.
No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network
Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.

PnP
Plug and Pray (that it works)

Multimedia
Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software
It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity
You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer ! That's product-ivity.

User-Friendly
Picture of clouds

State of the Art
Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.

MacIntosh-like
It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration
Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the rest of your life.

MS Plus
More money for Bill's plus side.

Optimize
It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system. See 'Increased Productivity'.

Questions and Answer Jokes:
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask 'What is the registration number of the light bulb?', one to ask 'Have you tried rebooting it?', another to ask 'Have you tried reinstalling it?' and the last one to say 'It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..'

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong .. have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write...

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Microsoft have announced that their latest Operating system - Windows 98 is to be renamed prior to its launch, to 'Diana'.
A spokesman from Microsoft said that it was in tribute to the late Princess of Wales and is a fitting name for a product that will look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash spectacularly.
This is regarding the $100 million cash infusion from Microsoft to Apple deal:

Q: What do you get when you combine Microsoft with Apple?
A: Microsoft

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.
The first one says,
'My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!'
The second one says,
'My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!'
The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says,
'My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here.'

What if Microsoft Made Cars??

Submitted By Aaron Kohlbeck

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd
have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for
no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange
reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a manouvre would cause your car to
stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the
engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time,
unless you bought a 'Car 95' or a 'Car NT'. But then you'd
have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy
to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go
much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would
be replaced with a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

8. People would get excited about the 'new' features in
Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been
available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto
fluids but the packaging would be supurb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size
butt.

11.The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going
off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea
what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel
with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16
cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it
would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford
parts on it.

14. There would be an 'Engium Pro' with bigger turbos, but it
would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player
which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play
Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade
to use existingstuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't
own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away
Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

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17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN
3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be
able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could
just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganise
the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway
next to each other.

--
Aaron Kohlbeck

Some of these jokes came from the following websites.
http://www.heenan.net/trivia/msoft.shtml
http://www.complang.tuwien.ac.at/alex/MS/SorryBill.html
http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/top10.html

Microsoft versus General Motors.
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (16,000km/hr)
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him: 'Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.'
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delilght, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says 'I'll take this option.'
'Fine,' says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
'That was Bill Gates!' cried Lucifer. 'Why did you give him the best place of all!'
'That's what everyone thinks' snickered Satan. 'The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!'
'What about the PC?'
'It's got Windows 95!' laughed Satan. 'And it's missing three keys!'
'Which three?'
'Control, Alt and Delete!'

UNDOCUMENTED WINDOWS ERRORS
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.

Late Breaking news!!!
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated 'Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology'.

TOP TEN INTERNET EXPLORER BUGS
Poor Microsoft. If it's not one bug in Internet Explorer, it's another. What's worse, there's awhole list of bugs about to be revealed..ten to be precise:

10. When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes. Try it and see!
9. It fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of Larry Ellison, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale.
8. Runs better on the Mac OS than on Windows.
7. Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra.
6. Browsing http://www.netscape.com/ crashes IE. Wait, that's not a bug.
5. Turns the IntelliMouse into the StupidoMouse.
4. Uninstaller for IE also deletes Quake.
3. RSAC rating system blocks Microsoft.com--mistakes 'ActiveX' for 'sex.'
2. Search for 'Microsoft ethics' points you to http://www.mafia.org/.
1. It doesn't make Bill any money.

The president of Lotus
The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!
Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure

Bill Talks with God
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner God told them 'I need three important figures to send my message out to all people. Tomorrow I will
destroy the earth'.

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them 'I have two really bad news items for you:
1.God really exists and
2.Tomorrow God will destroy the earth'.

Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them 'I have Good news and Bad News:
1. God really does exist;
2. The bad news is tomorrow God's destroying the earth'.

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced 'I have two fantastic announcements:
1. I'm one of the three most important people on earth and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved'.

THE ULTIMATE FAQ FOR MICROSOFT (R) WINDOWS, VERSION 4.2e
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Prelude :
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here it is ! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version
4.2e !
The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates
related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them
to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 1. Novice-Question : How do I recognize Windows ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to
understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard-
disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed
you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows !
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 2. Virgin-Questions : What exactly is Windows ? Why do I need Windows
?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the elec-
tronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims.
And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to
buy it to get even more rich and hateful. Rumours that the Windows project
was originally launched by psychiatrists to provide them with a constant
source of new patients have not been confirmed yet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 3. McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1) They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.
4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's
with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences :
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems,
their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 4. Lamer-Question : Are there any cheats for Windows ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Repeated pressing of ALT-F4 RETURN is said to enhance the quality of the
working atmosphere. The same effect can be achieved by pressing the reset
button of your computer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 5. Critics-Question : Why is Windows as bad as it is ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Windows were bug-free, fast, easy-to-use, compatible, openly structured,
cheap and efficient, in other words if Windows were a good operating system,
there would be no need for Microsofts daily updates (also called bug-changes)
with which they trick the money out of their customers pockets into their own.
Also, such an operating system would not come from Microsoft, it would come
from real programmers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 6. Nintendo-Mutant-Question : Is Windows a game ? Do I need a joystick?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Windows is a game ! It has all the characteristics of a game : It has
color graphics, sound, there is movement on the screen and the user has to
press keys or use the mouse to play it. It's difficult to solve Windows or even
Windows NT, but there are quick-guides or, for the inexperienced,
complete step-by-step walk-throughs (see also Lamer-Question). There is no
need for a joystick as Windows supports both keyboard, mouse and telepathy
(think of a system crash and you get one).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 7. Programmer-Question : Are there any standards for Windows programming ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course there are. More than you can count. In fact, the wonderful thing
about Windows programming specifications is that there are so many you can
choose from and that they change from version to version. Not to forget the
fact that no other program running under Windows makes use of them. All in
all there's only one thing you need to know : Real Programmers don't use
Windows.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 8. Sceptics-Question : Is this text making any sense at all ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
As this text is about Windows, it cannot have any sense. It's a stupid text
about a stupid would-be-program. It's kept close to the characteristics of
its subject : It's funny, senseless, useless, and time and space consuming.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 9. Version-Question : What's the newest version of Windows ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Kairo' and 'Chicago' are out of date. After first test runs, Microsoft de-
cided to rename their projects to the more appropiate titles 'Titanic' and
'Hindenburg'. The alternative set of names 'Atlantis' and 'Tschernobyl' has
been discarded. Rumours of other project names like 'L.A.', 'New York', 'Ir-
kutsk', 'Chongqing', 'Uppsala', 'Claudia Schiffer', 'Micky Maus', 'Buy Me',
'Schoppe' or 'Extended Error 17' have been discarded.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 10. Utility-Question : Is there a tool that takes care of Windows ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes ! Look out for the new V4.2 release of KillWin, available at all well
stocked computer stores and mailboxes. KillWin V4.2 features auto-detection
of Windows on all drives and four modes of operation combined with optional
full purging and packing. Average savings of hard disk space exceed more
than 20 MByte, average working speed is increased dramatically and user
happiness is made possible.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 11. Defender-Question : How can I protect my system against Windows ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The easiest way is to make McAfee's Scan recognize it. To do this, create a
file (e.g. 'winvirus.txt') with the following content :
#The two-faced sinister Windows Virus
'e87928bbf6048be3', Microsoft (R) Windows
(Don't forget the return at the end of the last line !)
To check your programs for viruses, start Scan like this :
SCAN /EXT WINVIRUS.TXT
Note that if the file is not in the current directory, the full path name
must be specified, e.g. scan /ext
j:dostoolsvirusscanextwinvirus.txt
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* 99. Bill Gates-Question : Are you nuts ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes of course, Windows made us so.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except.. no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: 'Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)'
7. This is a message from God Gates: 'Rebooting the world. Please log off.'
8. To 'shut down' your system, type 'WIN'
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted.. Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing.. Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

There was a pilot flying
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy 'Hey! Where am I?' To this, the solitary office worker replies 'You're in a plane.' The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. 'Simple' replies the pilot, 'I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away

The Top 13 ways things would be different if Microsoft built BMW motorcycles. (drumroll,please..)

1. A particular model year of BMW motorcycle wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new BMW motorcycle.
3. Occasionally your BMW motorcycle would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time on your BMW motorcycle, unless you bought a BMW motorcycle '95 or a BMW motorcycle NT, but then you'd have to buy more foot pegs.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your BMW motorcycle. Wait a sec, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a BMW motorcycle that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single 'General BMW motorcycle Fault' warning light.
8. People would get excited about the 'new' features in Microsoft BMW motorcycles, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We would still be waiting on the '6000 sux 58' model to come out.
10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an motorcycle makers instead of giving them.
13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

The Kursk Disaster
Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object.

However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.
While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion.
[evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to run Windows for the first time'.
[long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware .. A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.
Captain: Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, right?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works.
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.
[another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo.
Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!
[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.
[another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute..
[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]
Captain: what was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared!
Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue.
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
[another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to 'end task'.
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy Shit! Not the blue screen of dea..
[KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

The tape ends at this point.
During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out 'windows sucks' in morse code. 'The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.'

.....Of Course.....